The first one was called Universal Loving Kindness. Here, we were to repeat four different phrases over and over to ourselves for approximately ten minutes. These phrases were: "May all individuals gain freedom from suffering," "May all individuals find sustained health, happiness, and wholeness," "May I assist all individuals in gaining freedom from suffering," and "May I assist all individuals in finding health, happiness, and wholeness (Dacher, 2006)." At first, I had to keep looking back in the book to remember what I was supposed to be focusing on. But as I kept repeating the phrases, it did get easier. I felt that the first part of this exercise was a little bit "heavy on my heart." I mean, it's hard to look at the suffering of others to begin with, and then to look to myself and think about how I can help to alleviate that suffering. It can be a little bit exhausting. The other half was much easier, to hope for health, happiness, and wholeness in others, and look to myself and think about how I can assist in fostering those feelings in others. To me, that just seems easier. The Romans used to refer to the experience of all these feelings as the "purging of emotions," and they considered it to be very healthy and cleansing.
The second exercise was the Integral Assessment of ourselves. We were to look at our psycho-spiritual, biological, interpersonal, and worldly aspects of our lives. I identified my "source of difficulty and suffering" as my relationship with my mother in law. And I asked myself, "how can I make our relationship better; what can I do?" "What type of relationship would I like to have with her?" I have many great relationships with many people in my life, and I am very thankful for that. I am so fortunate to know so many great people. The most difficult and hard to understand relationship that I have is with my mother in law. (So cliché, right?) :) But the tension is very real (and I also do not know why it is there). I understand that we are very different people, but that's okay. She had a conversation with my husband the other day that lasted about two hours. She felt the need to bring up everything that I have ever done, in the past ten years, that she has found fault with. This brought on quite a bit of stress for my husband, as well as myself. It is very sad to see someone with so much hate and resentment in her heart. (And it is not just toward me...there are others on her list, I just happened to be the focus of that particular conversation.) And what I am about to say next is kind of funny, because it applies directly to our blog assignment this week. I asked myself "what can I do to try to make this right?" (I mean, we are having a baby in a few weeks...let's enjoy that experience together). So I wrote her a letter (because she will not answer the phone if I call) encouraging her to recognize the many blessings she has in her life. I also went on to remind her of all the things her son and I have been through together over the past ten years and how much I love him (high school, college, two overseas tours, marriage, a house, pregnancy, etc.). I also told her that I thank God for her every day, because without her, there would be no Adam (my husband). And I also asked her to be willing to put our differences aside and look at what is important: our future and our growing family. I put that letter in the mail on Tuesday, so she should have gotten it yesterday or today. I felt really good writing that letter, because I felt that I was doing something good. I also feel better, now that I wrote it. I'm curious and anxious to see how she responds to it. And I sincerely hope she sees the love and positivity I was trying to convey to her. I do want a nice relationship with her. So that was the first active step I took in "righting" this situation in my eyes. I certainly hope it works. For those of you who are interested, I will let you know how she responds, and if she responds at all. Have a nice day! :)
Mariah Joyce
Dacher,
E. S. (2006). Integral health: The path to human flourishing. Laguna
Beach, CA: Basic Health Publications,
Inc.
I think the first part of the assignment took me to a sad place as well. It made me realize that as bad as things can sometimes seem for me, there is always someone out there who has it worse and that I should try my best efforts to help these people. The second part of this weeks assignment made me think about the aspects of my life that I need to change and fix and about how I could do this. This was very important to me because it gave me a good self assessment and I do feel that I needed that. It showed me the aspects of my actions that hurt other people and gave me insight as to how to fix this.
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler,
DeleteThank you for your response. This week's blog assignment certainly was designed to make us think and reflect upon ourselves. I know it made me think! :) What aspects of your life did you identify as needing attention?
Mariah
Loved reading your post, while reading it I read that you are not only a brave woman, but one with a wonderful loving gentle heart. No matter what her response is you definitely are feeling better and growing because you wrote it. Does your husband know? Did he read it? And, yes please keep me posted on how it goes for you. Remember no matter what her reaction it is definitely a wonderful gesture on your part.
ReplyDeleteCary
Hi Cary,
DeleteThank you for your response! Yes, my husband read it. I asked him to read it before I mailed it. He said it was very nice, and he hopes that his mom understands what I'm trying to do: have a nice relationship with her. We have not heard anything from her yet. She does work a lot, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she may or may not have looked at her mail recently. Hopefully we hear something soon!
Mariah
Hello Mariah,
ReplyDeleteThat was quite a loving action on your part to write the letter to your mother-in-law. I pray that it goes well. It is really sad when some people are just miserable with themselves and need to find fault in others. I really am interested on how everything turns out.
I also understand about the difficulty in thinking of the suffering of others. Sometimes it is just too much for me to bear. I figure that at least if I come across someone that day that seems to be having a tough time I can at least be interested in their life and ask them how they are doing. Sometimes people just need to be heard.
Hi Kathleen!
DeleteThank you for your response. I certainly hope things go well with the letter I wrote as well. :) I really hope that she can relinquish some of the hate and bitterness that she holds in her heart. I hope that this baby we are about to have opens her eyes to the important things and the beauty in life.
Mariah
Hey Mariah,
ReplyDeleteIt was necessary to refer to the book on several occasions. As such I was easier when I made my own chant, it made it simpler to grasp on to the reason of the exercise in the first place.
What you said to your in law was (do not get upset with the words that I am about to spill). Frivolous, she has a hook into negative energy. The words were too common it didn't make a dent. She is already at a premeditative state of negative attributes (resent, unforgiving, and the likes. Therefore you must allow her that space instead of speaking about the past and how much you & your mate love each other. Take the love energy and bring her to your side. Do not play in your mom’s environment. Since your husband loves you & you him that winning combination will bring in-law in or fail by the waist side. With two it should work (build your power off of the loving exercise. Develop a short but strong message of what you all want, expect from mother and grandmother then chant down the walls. Always invite her for whatever just make sure she knows she can come. Before, during, and after, ask for the power of the Most High to protect you all from any negative, bad, disagreeable (you get the picture) entity/energy. If what happen within the last ten years warrants conversation get it straight. If what happen in the past is closed (no wounds) between you and your mate it is time to take it to the floor with your mom. Together blatant insist she explains herself and you will do it respectfully/honorable but drill her down. Even if you both need to write questions come together before meeting do but remember you are two coming as one. Be on point.
MBennett
MBennet,
DeleteThank you for your response. I do see what you are saying. I really do. I chose this approach because I was hoping that it would be somewhat refreshing for her, and possibly catch her off guard. She truly is always on the defense and looking for fault in others. I was hoping that by conveying a different energy to her, I would catch her attention and maybe my words would be heard. If this does not work, we will have to try another avenue of approach, perhaps one more like you described. We will see. Only time will tell!
Mariah
Hi Mariah,
ReplyDeleteI had a little difficult with this week assignment. Meditation does not come easy to me. Meditation is important because it takes us from activity into silence, giving our body a very deep level of rest. Rest is how the body heals itself, which it does by throwing off the stress, fatigue, and toxins accumulated during our daily life. The silence of pure awareness is extremely refreshing to the mind. By spending time in meditation, we create a calm haven to restore balance to our mental, and physical functioning. By spending time daily in meditation, we come in contact with a healing power within that can transform our lives and give us relief and solace for a happy life
Maritza
Hello Mariah! While I found the universal loving-kindness exercise better and easier to accomplish than the original loving-kindness exercise, I still struggle with this particular one a little and it will definitely take some practice to get over that hump. What I find worse is that I end up feeling guilty or bad somehow for the feelings I have towards the concept of at least the original loving-kindness exercise. I tell myself – isn’t the intention of this exercise to learn to be selfless and help ease the suffering of others? To give up greed, desire, pride, or one’s own preferences in order to aid someone else? That’s how I felt the whole week I was working on the original practice. This one was better for me.
ReplyDeleteWhile we haven’t know each other long, I’m so proud for you that you were able to take that leap to write your mother-in-law the letter AND get it into the mail. Many people would either ignore the situation hoping it would go away (or avoid the confrontation which is what I will do personally most times), or reciprocate the hateful feelings and verbiage. What an awesome idea to get your thoughts and feelings out onto paper – to see past the hateful feelings to what your relationship as a family could be. I would love to be one of those that you keep updated… and good luck!!
Emi
Hi Emi,
DeleteThank you for your response! I will definitely keep you updated. I haven't heard anything yet. Like I told Cary, I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she hasn't gotten her mail in a couple of days, with the holidays, and she does work a lot. But we still have not heard anything. I hope I have touched her heart in some way, because I think it is important that we have a healthy relationship and that our child(ren) sees that as they grow up themselves. Talk to you soon!
Mariah
You are a very strong person to be able to put all that down on paper then mail it someone who is generating so much resistance and pain in your life. Its funny how inlaws can be. My wife suffered similar torment with my mother who wore several masks and could change them so quickly without me noticing. My mother was kind loving to my wife when I was around, but as soon as I walked away, the daggers came out. I never discounted anything my wife ever told me about what my mother had said or done, but nothing I could say or do could console my wife as the damage had already been incurred because of my mothers behavior. It also seems anytime I intervened, it only made matters worse for both and then the crosshairs became firmly centered on me. I really wish my wife could have been able to take similar action as you have. Because, even though my mother passed over two years ago, her actions in life still haunt my wife and our relationship today. Even today, the wounds are still so deep that my wife of 15 years cant forgive either my mother for her actions or herself for her reactions and resentment she still feels. I am currently using this course to help my wife as well as myself to deal with many issues which have hurt each of us and our relationship over the years. Reading your blog made me smile knowing that we are not the only ones dealing with these type of issues. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAaron
Hi Aaron,
DeleteThank you for your response. Yes, in-laws can certainly be challenging to deal with at times, but they are still family, and that is what we have to remember. My mother-in-law has "worn many masks" as well. For the longest time, my husband never saw what I was talking about, and then one day, he saw it. He could not believe what he was witnessing! And he could not believe that I was not exaggerating at all when I told him how she would corner me and question me about anything and everything. (And my poor husband was in the middle...) I certainly hope that this small gesture helps our relationship, because there really is no reason for all this tension. I am a person who likes harmony and for everyone to get along. I want our kids to see how everyone can get along so that they too can make that effort. We have not heard anything from my mother-in-law regarding the letter, but I hope we do soon. The baby is due in 7 weeks, and it would be nice to have a good experience when she gets to meet her first grandchild for the first time. Talk to you soon!
Mariah
Mariah,
DeleteCongratulations on being the bigger person. You must know that some people love misery and being in control of others. I hate to say this you may not get a response from her. She is so caught up in the moment of her madness. I pray that she will come around for her son sake and the grandchild that is on the way. I hope she comes to grips because life is so precious and time can not be replace. Since you have done the only thing you can do for now. You must focus on you and your baby to come. Don't focus on that because it will steal your joy. Pray about it and keep going because this could lead to sickness in the body. I pray the problem gets resolved soon. Congratulations on your baby.